A Journey to find Myself

When you grow up in a home where your siblings and your parents weren’t around.. then how can you develop a good sense of your self worth? After years of this, how could you do anything but come to believe that what has been said could be nothing sort of the truth?

As I look back on the last 40 years, I am overwhelmed with the amount of desolation I have felt, by the hands of others, and myself. It was happening many times repeatedly.  

When you are abused, emotionally and physically, for the most significant developmental years of your life, is it really hard to understand why you would grow up to accept this way of life as the norm?  Yes, it is a very sad fact of life – you learn what you live.  Sometimes you need to accept the fact that certain things happen for a reason, that no one can ever tell.


But when one day you’ll wake up and you finally realize that this does not have to be the case, how do you accept all of the frustrations and exhaustions, how far are you going to throw them, to find the real you? Or do you have to start all over, from square one, and make up a whole new person?

I promised to myself, I will do with all my best to satisfy people with their expectations about me and for the interim, I set aside my dreams.

I took Accountancy,  a course which offers no margin for failure, you only have a single opportunity, lose it once then its goodbye.  With all my heart, I maintain to consistently pull myself successfully with every challenge I faced, and I even managed to finished with flying colors.

Looking back to all those years and all the things I have done, i feel like, its time for me to do things on my own way this time.

However, as I find myself sitting at the corner once again, I realized that when you are on a journey to “find yourself”, it is more likely to look at other people and say, that is who I would like to be,  how could i throw all the burdens and frustrations off and walk away?

But, thankfully, these days, I am instead saying, I just want to be ME. And I am learning to accept the fact that those things are already a part of my who I am. Everything, whether you like it or not, whether planned or spontaneous, happens for a reason.. we may never know if it’s going to be for the improvement of us, at least you’ll just have to be optimistic and be ready for it.

I just need to find out what the rest of me looks like.


What lies ahead

I am working in one of the biggest firm in town. It was during my first few days in work when I met this guy. He was a typical boy next door kind of, someone who can lean in times of trouble. We were in the same department that’s why we became close, so close actually that lot of people misinterpreted our closeness, rumors started to spread but it never bothers me. We both know what are our limits. We are both in relationship to others but this brought us even closer to each other. We are sharing insights about love, we talk about relationships, and we are always truthful and honest to our comments. He is like a brother to me. I guess only a bit deeper, I felt I was so special to him.

Then came a time when destiny chose to break my heart. I was heartbroken but I was never alone because I was with him. He never left me. He knew that I needed someone to ease the pain. But fate never satisfied by just hurting me emotionally, fate had hurt me physically too. I suffered from too much pain that medicines couldn’t cure. No medicines could also helped me relieved my pain. I am physically fit but science couldn’t define my illness. I always passed out for no reasons. I was advised to take rest, but I was so stubborn. After few weeks, time was good to me. I went back to work and I was really looking forward of seeing him again.

Many thought was running in my mind. I was thinking of stories, I planned to tell him. I really wanted to catch up thing I have missed.

Was it destiny or coincidence? We met while an the way to our office, I didn’t know but the moment I saw him he took me in his arms and embraced me tightly. He kissed me but I didn’t resist. He told me how much he missed me. We used to tell how much we missed each other when we are not together, but this time it is different! But I never pay attention to that newly found feeling. I was battling with my thoughts; I didn’t know what he felt, all I knew he never leaved my side. Since then we became closer and I spent most of my time with him. I realized that I wanted so much with him.

One day, he came and asked me to go with him for trekking, I never really understand why but it was a happy but all was ended. We were walking towards the dark part of the forest. There were two diverged roads and after that he disappear. I wanted to go back to see the other side of the road but at the back of my head I was thinking that he walk ahead and if I will go back I might lost him. I never realized that it would be the last time I will be with him. cropped-wildflowers.jpg 

Then suddenly I WOKE UP! All is just a DREAM! It’s so stupid! I never thought I allow those things to happen. I felt regretting and I was crying. I can still feel the pain and tears starts to fall. I don’t know exactly why I dreamed but I am always dreaming of the same scenario. It seems it is real, It is magic but I am lost. I don’t know what to do. There are times that I don’t want to wake up; I wanted to know what would happen. I wanted to know what lies ahead!



Count our blessings

Sometimes we are asking ourselves, why do we meet the people at the wrong time and why do we fall in love with them for the wrong reasons. Why do we fall out of love to the person who truly loves us? These questions probably would not find an answer. All relationships have ups and down, those who build in a shallow ground are most likely will be broken. They probably didn’t love each other enough to hold on. When we are passionately and romantically in love with the other person, sometimes we become selfish, and we do usually think our own selves. Sometimes relationships are given a final test. If it came to a point that it reached to a certain limits and if it is failed, it is not because we wanted it, but because, it is not meant to happen.

PreciousIf we lost love, it is bitterly painful. But this doesn’t mean that we have lost everything, this doesn’t mean that there’s nothing to start over with. All we need to do is to settle our past, try to sit down, be with ourselves and pray for guidance, by then we will find an answer.

There’s always a season and time for everything, time to let go and have a courage to be alone. And be happy that we have been blessed and being loved. We must always remember that if we are in pain, we have a courage and strength, with that, we have hope that there’s something better. There’s no mountain so high that we cannot climb over, and there’s no seas so wide that we cannot cross. Count our blessings because miracles will happen for those who believe.


Friends with Benefits

Sometimes we feel that it is better to sacrifice what we felt rather than be rejected.  But then it’s better to be in love rather than not because we scared to fall.  We can no longer deny that most of us are having an affair without the commitment, many are practicing friendships with benefits, enjoying a benefits of being boyfriends or girlfriends minus the commitment that bind each other. This kind of arrangement is fine for as long as the couples are focus to each other.  The greatest challenged happens when someone comes into the picture and steals the scene. And the moment one deviates his /her attention to someone else then this imbalance keeps the relationship off and puts more often than not the women on the losing edge.

Let us always remember that there would be better partners than what we have right now. It’s difficult to find ways to keep the relationship alive and keep our heart from dying inside. All relationship have an emotional investment and could not just give up someone without some kind of loss.


Intimacy is never a stable foundation of a relationship because real relationships are built on feelings and not only on physical convenience. We maybe enjoying the perks of companion but we really don’t know who we are on the feelings of our partner.  If our partner loves us because of physical thing then, it shouldn’t be the reason to hold on. He is only using us for his fantasy.  We should accept the fact that it is not love but it is an abuse.  This should not happen because if we love ourselves then we should not allow anyone to take advantage of us.

There’s nothing wrong with making love, as the word itself describes it. It is not about needs being fulfilled, it is about loving a person and wanting to be with that person not for physical wants but out of sincere and profound love.

We need to play a fair game, for as long as we can, within the bounds of reasons of course. If we win, then we deserve them. But if we lose it is mean that its not meant for us. We do not fail when we lose the love that we have fought for. We only fail when we loss the courage to stands for ourselves and fight for our right to be happy. Come to think that being blessed is not always finding someone new to love but in being to continue to love someone whom we have had and making that love grow each and every single day.

Love has no boundaries

  • I believe we both committed by law and by God to someone else but my heart and my mind only belongs to him.  Because of my situation, I become lonely and no one to talked to, nobody could understand.  But I know people knew what I am going through.

Love is a leap of faith that once you know what you want and what you love, you work hard for it and you will keep it.  That love is hard and scary but that’s the risk one has to take.

He makes me wants to make my life better. He makes me wants to make my self better.  He makes me believe in myself. I had learned to dream again. I thought that I should do of what I had in my life, even if I was miserable. But I know he wished for better things.

IAm.jpgOne day I was able to talked to him, I heard his heartbeat and saw his sadness!  His life becomes miserable when I was not around. We both missed the old times, the talks we had so we continue what we have had.  We also make sure not to cross the boundaries.  We agreed to remain like this as we both know what to do.  I guess it’s really more a tell and decide what to do with this.  I feel so much for him but I don’t know if my love is enough for us to endure all this pain.  He said he loved me but am scared to see it in his eyes.  I don’t know what to do, I am so alive when I am with him, and I am so dead when we are apart.


Embracing Life

Do you happen to wake up in the middle of the night feeling empty then suddenly cries for no reason? People would usually call it crazy and as much as you wanted to knock these thoughts off, you’ll ended up losing yourself to get into these circle of thoughts.

As I lay my head on the pillow, I put my headsets on, playing songs that is loud enough not to hear a thing but the music, then I found myself gazing around. It’s funny! There are pictures of people talking and interacting but i hear nothing! I see the excitement on their faces. Maybe they’re talking about last night’s outing, I also gaze into a girl talking in a sad face, maybe she is just whining about not finding a dress for the party she is attending tomorrow night. I gazed around and I couldn’t stop wondering, do these strangers know they are taking a part of our lives?


It’s ironic how a very small detail or one word can turn my head upside down. I put a non-stop argument with myself, I start asking questions that have no answers. I start dreaming but I know it will never come true. I come up with excuses not to blame myself, and put the blame on somebody else on life setbacks. I get angry on myself, on my family, on everything and everyone. I’m praying when will I get tired so that I’ll shush my head down, like a babies, they wouldn’t have to worries on planning their future or finding themselves, they just fall asleep within seconds.

What makes me think while looking those people, not knowing what they are going through, and not being able to tell if someone is happy or sad? Just by the look on their face, made me realize that we always give ourselves the impression that we are the only ones suffering, but it’s not! Everyone has his own battle to fight, and everyone had managed and found a way to survive. Yes, we must give ourselves some credit that at some point in time we are tough, tough to face life, enough to put us back on track again.

Money can’t buy Love♥

In today’s world, many of us could not see the real value of people that really matters. Many are very particular with what they have, they no longer consider the value of a person around them. The most important are material things rather than intangible ones. True love cannot be measured by how much a man he has in his pocket nor on how much material things he can provide.

Many wishes for a secure future with the man they chose.


From a practical perspective love alone is not enough to ensure smooth and harmonious relationship. The day-to-day challenges of living a life together go beyond that of which love can provide. Financial security is very important in all aspects of life it is not definitive but it is certainly affects the way we look at our lives in the context of our relationship.

Now the big question is, the man we love or the man who promises us financial security. Always give others a chance to be the man they deserve.  If one really value the relationship, he will not allow you to complete him but rather inspire him to become a better person for you. The true measure of love is we strive best for the person we love.

Remember..more than good looks and money the man who become successful are the man who dream big and works hard to achieve those dreams.