When you grow up in a home where your siblings and your parents weren’t around.. then how can you develop a good sense of your self worth? After years of this, how could you do anything but come to believe that what has been said could be nothing sort of the truth?
As I look back on the last 40 years, I am overwhelmed with the amount of desolation I have felt, by the hands of others, and myself. It was happening many times repeatedly.
When you are abused, emotionally and physically, for the most significant developmental years of your life, is it really hard to understand why you would grow up to accept this way of life as the norm? Yes, it is a very sad fact of life – you learn what you live. Sometimes you need to accept the fact that certain things happen for a reason, that no one can ever tell.
But when one day you’ll wake up and you finally realize that this does not have to be the case, how do you accept all of the frustrations and exhaustions, how far are you going to throw them, to find the real you? Or do you have to start all over, from square one, and make up a whole new person?
I promised to myself, I will do with all my best to satisfy people with their expectations about me and for the interim, I set aside my dreams.
I took Accountancy, a course which offers no margin for failure, you only have a single opportunity, lose it once then its goodbye. With all my heart, I maintain to consistently pull myself successfully with every challenge I faced, and I even managed to finished with flying colors.
Looking back to all those years and all the things I have done, i feel like, its time for me to do things on my own way this time.
However, as I find myself sitting at the corner once again, I realized that when you are on a journey to “find yourself”, it is more likely to look at other people and say, that is who I would like to be, how could i throw all the burdens and frustrations off and walk away?
But, thankfully, these days, I am instead saying, I just want to be ME. And I am learning to accept the fact that those things are already a part of my who I am. Everything, whether you like it or not, whether planned or spontaneous, happens for a reason.. we may never know if it’s going to be for the improvement of us, at least you’ll just have to be optimistic and be ready for it.
I just need to find out what the rest of me looks like.